If someone calls you ‘ugly’ have a good comeback and say ‘excuse me, I am not a mirror’.
u ever text someone something risky and every second that they dont respond is another spike in ur blood pressure and u stare at your hand like why did u type that u fool its over the universe is crumbling to pieces this is my demise
British intelligence agency MI6 successfully completed “Operation Cupcake” by hacking an al-Qaeda website and replacing 67 pages of bomb-making instructions with a cupcake recipe.
Gather round kids! Today’s story is called, “Hansel and Gretel.” It’s about an evil witch who finally finished making her last mortgage payment on her candy house, when two bratty kids decided that they wanted to ruin her day. You see, these entitled seedlings saw the candy house, and instead of working hard to buy their own, they decided to take hers. Using the dirtiest and most delicious trick in the book, Hansel and Gretel trapped the witch with aromatic plates of Denny’s breakfast food. Once she was incapacitated, they pushed her into the Candy house’s oven. Don’t feel too bad for the witch, though. After all, she was evil and would have probably ended up eating the children. Sheesh… Fairy tales, am I right?
GUYS I JUST REALIZED WHY PAPER BEATS ROCK OH MY GOD
PAPER SYMBOLIZES WORDS WHICH SYMBOLIZES BRAINS
AND ROCK SYMBOLIZES BRAWN.
BRAINS OVER BRAWN.
MIND OVER MATTER.
PAPER OVER ROCK.
You clever little shit.
then what the fuck does scissors mean
Almost a thousand people in West Africa die from ebola and nobody bats an eyelash, yet 2 white people in the US contract it and miraculously a cure is released and given to them because they’re an “extreme circumstance.” Satire is dead and real life is a dystopian hellscape
When I heard Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber I knew I had to make something. This is it.